Culinary Tip of the Week: How to Burn Water

Need a fool-proof recipe for burning water? You are in luck, my friend. Go ahead and delete all those pins you’ve already pinned to ensure that you, too, can burn water. This how-to guide is all you’ll ever need.

1. Decide that, in lieu of the usual Sunday night bowl of cereal, you are a superior mother and will make roasted veggies and quinoa for your darling children.

2. Wash and chop your broccoli, cauliflower, and beets, knowing the whole time that the beets will likely make your kids gag. Feel superior anyway.

3. Admire the beautiful color of freshly peeled beets, ignoring the fact that your kitchen now looks like a crime scene. Slather in olive oil, put in a screamin’ hot oven, and move on. You’ve got things to do.

4. Set a small pot of water on the stove to boil, adding a glug or so of olive oil. You know, because it’s healthy and you’re all gourmet and stuff.

5. Go upstairs to research cute fabric options for the window seat upstairs. You know, because such things can’t wait. Priorities, people.

6. Become so engrossed in cute fabrics that you completely forget how superior a mother you are, until your daughter hollers, “Mooooom, I think your water is boiling!!!”

7. Using a pot holder, remove the pot from the burner. Lift the lid slightly to let out a small puff of smoke. Again, feel superior that you avoided catastrophe.

8. With confidence, lift the lid a second time, allowing just enough time for a giant fireball to lurch toward you. Profanity optional.

9. Freak out a little.

10. Lift the lid a second time to let out another fireball. Because they are awesome.

11. Gather your wits and take the pot out to the side porch so that all your neighbors can enjoy the acrid aroma of your culinary prowess.

12. Start all over, this time setting your timer and NOT going upstairs to look at fabric.

13. Enjoy the roasted vegetables and half-done quinoa through the sultry smoke-filled atmosphere of your kitchen. Insist that your children try the beets. Watch them nearly barf.

14. Laugh at your children making sure that you bare your beet-stained teeth, freaking your kids out further because it looks as if you’ve just bit the head off a bat. Bloodshot eyes from the smoke complete the look. You are a vision.

15. Thank all that is good that the hubs is out of the country because just last week he had to use the fire extinguisher after roasting potatoes.

16. Vow to never roast or boil again.

Next week, how to set fire to your toaster with a rice cake.


8 thoughts on “Culinary Tip of the Week: How to Burn Water

  1. Just read this to the girls…we all giggled…especially T. You are a special soul…destined to completely burn something down to the ground…someday. 😉 Keep up the good work!! Love ya to infinity and beyond!

  2. You are my favorite. You are stinkin’ hilarious…so clever, so witty, so real. I am thankful that our paths have crossed. You may me smile!

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